


I'll stay with you. I won't let go.

by chaos101



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Missing Scene, No Sex, Yeah. That., my bad i guess, right after ash straight up shoots himself to save eiji, takes place during episode 18, this is like the third time i've written this exact fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 02:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos101/pseuds/chaos101
Summary: 48 hours. Which is more than enough time to get everything they requested.And to give Eiji one final parting gift.After all, if he’s going to give the same to Dino and countless others for the rest of his fucking life after this, he might as well give it to ... to someone he loves, first. To the only person he’s ever truly loved this way.And find out if maybe it doesn’t hurt when it’s with him.Ash wants to say goodbye.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 51
Kudos: 91





	I'll stay with you. I won't let go.

Ash has 48 hours to gather all the info about Banana Fish, along with Professor Dawson, and surrender all of it—and himself—to Dino. 48 hours. Which is more than enough time to get everything they requested.

And to give Eiji one final parting gift.

Ash can tell that Eiji’s going to develop a fever, but it hasn’t set in quite yet. It’ll probably be after another night’s sleep—the day Ash will have to leave. So for now, he has time. Time to ... to give Eiji what he undoubtedly owes him. To give Eiji the only gift he can.

After all, if he’s going to give the same to Dino and countless others for the rest of his fucking life after this, he might as well give it to ... to someone he loves, first. To the only person he’s ever truly loved this way.

And find out if maybe it doesn’t hurt when it’s with him.

Ash buys everything he needs—including condoms, of course, because who knows how fucking tainted he is at this point—and hides them on his side of their room.

Then he takes a deep breath.

“Eiji,” Ash calls, singsongy.

“Hm?” Eiji responds, looking up from his tablet. He looks curious, no doubt thrown off by the tone of Ash’s voice.

“I have something to show you.” Without waiting for a response, Ash walks up to him with a sauntering gait. He takes Eiji’s hand as Eiji stands, and leads him to the bedroom.

“Ash?” Eiji asks, sounding nervous now. “What are you ... ?”

It makes sense that Eiji would be nervous, Ash reasons. This is definitely his first time, and he’s likely picked up on Ash’s intentions by now.

“It’s okay,” Ash says, voice soothing but still with a tinge of seduction. “I’ll walk you through it. It’s not my first time with a virgin.”

Eiji stops dead in his tracks. He’s at the entrance to the bedroom now, Ash already in the room. Ash softly pulls at his hand, but Eiji doesn’t budge.

“Why are you doing this, Ash?” Eiji asks. “What’s going on?”

But Ash can’t tell him the truth. Eiji can’t know that this ... that they’ll never see each other again soon. Eiji can’t know what Ash is about to do.

So instead, he says, “Can’t I just want to give you something? As a thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

Eiji shakes his head. “This isn’t how you thank someone, Ash. And you don’t need to thank me anyway.”

But both of those ... aren’t true. Ash _does_ need to thank Eiji. There’s no way ... he can’t live with himself he if leaves Eiji without ever doing anything for him. And this _is_ how Ash thanks people. Maybe it’s not how everyone does it, but Ash doesn’t have anything else to offer. His skillset is ... limited. And unless Eiji needs a fucking hitman, this is about all he can do.

Unfortunately, the only person whose death Eiji would benefit from right now isn’t someone Ash can defend him against. Fucking Blanca ... but this isn’t the time to be thinking about that.

This is the time to change Eiji’s mind. Because he doesn’t realize that they won’t have another chance.

“Maybe I don’t _need_ to thank you,” Ash says. “But I want to. And this is ...” He hesitates. Fuck, he can’t be hesitating right now. He needs to be confident, seductive, _wanting._ Shit, that’s it. Ash shifts his voice again, aiming for _wanting_ now. “I want this, Eiji,” he purrs. “I want to do this for you.”

But Eiji frowns. What did Ash do wrong? “This ... isn’t something you do _for_ someone, Ash. I think you’re missing a key factor here. It should be reciprocal, equal. And that’s not what you’re ... offering.”

“I am!” Ash says quickly. Wait, no, that was a little too desperate. Tone it down. Back to wanting. He’s normally so good at this—the _only_ thing he’s good at. Why is he fucking up so badly when it’s Eiji? Shouldn’t it be _easier_ with someone he cares about?

Even if he doesn’t ... _want_ it, strictly speaking, it should still be easier, right? It should still be ... It’s not like he hasn’t asked for it without wanting it before.

Every time, really, but ...

“Eiji,” Ash whines. There, that was better. “Please take me.”

“Ash, I don’t think you want this. Am I wrong?”

And maybe he doesn’t, but he _does._ Even if he doesn’t want ... the sex, exactly, he wants to do this for Eiji. He wants to— _needs_ to—pay Eiji back. Why can’t Eiji see that? Why can’t Eiji see that this _is_ reciprocal, for everything he’s done for Ash?

Wait—maybe he should say that. Maybe that’s the right approach.

“I want this,” he says. Still whiny, needy. “It is reciprocal, Eiji. I want to.”

Eiji hesitates. He’s still standing in the doorway, hasn’t taken a single step toward the bed. His hand is still in Ash’s.

“Maybe I used the word reciprocal wrong,” Eiji says. “Focus on _equal._ It needs to be equal.”

“But—isn’t it equal as well?” Ash asks, genuinely confused. “Isn’t it—if it’s reciprocal, even, doesn’t that mean it’s equal?”

Eiji pulls his hand away from Ash’s, and Ash lets him go. Eiji is getting frustrated, Ash can tell, though he doesn’t understand why.

“What’s wrong?” Ash asks.

Eiji groans. “What is wrong with _you,_ Ash?” he asks. “This is not ... Something’s going on. Isn’t it? I’m worried about you.”

No, no no no, Eiji can’t ... Ash can’t let him catch on. He has to convince Eiji to fuck him without him realizing why. This is Ash’s last chance to repay him, and he _can’t_ know that. He can’t, because ... if Eiji asks him to stay, it’ll just be that much harder to leave.

“I told you,” Ash says, trying for playful this time. “I just want to give this to you. Right here, right now. I want you to fuck me. I _need_ it, Eiji.” Playful, playful. Lighthearted. Acting like nothing’s wrong. Like this is just the first of many. Like Eiji will wake up in two days and Ash will still be there by his side.

 _“Why_ do you need it?” Eiji questions. “Why now? You’ve never ... shown an interest before.”

Ash pouts now, back to needy. “Eiji, I’m—” _going to sell myself to Dino and whomever else he chooses starting in less than 36 hours. Going to give myself up to strangers or people I despise every night. Going to—going to—_

Ash shakes his head. That’s not where his focus needs to be. The focus is on doing this, now, before any of that happens. “I’m ready for you. Don’t you want me?” he tries instead.

“That’s ... not the point,” Eiji says, hesitating.

“You don’t find me attractive.” Ash pouts. He knows it’s not true. He _knows_ that Eiji is attracted to him. He just has to get him to admit it.

“Ash ...” Eiji sighs.

Ash takes a step farther into the bedroom, trying to entice Eiji into following him. “I can make it good,” Ash promises. “Anything you want. _Anything,_ I can make it happen. I’m ... talented, Eiji.” _In this, at least, if nothing else._ Ash licks his lips, batting his eyelashes a bit.

“Ash,” Eiji says softly. “I don’t want to.”

Ash frowns. There’s no way that’s true, right? Eiji ... _has_ to want to. He’s definitely attracted to Ash, and—he has no reason to say no—

“What do you mean?” Ash switches from a frown to a pout. “You really don’t want me?” Come on, come _on,_ this has to work. Eiji has to be lying, right? Ash would never ... _hurt_ Eiji, he would never do it if Eiji really doesn’t want to, but he _has_ to. Right?

“It’s not that I don’t want _you,_ Ash,” Eiji admits. “It’s that ... I don’t want to do this _to_ you. I could never. Not unless you stop talking about it as a _gift,_ or doing it _for_ me, or saying—saying to _take_ you. I would never _fuck_ you, Ash. Not ... like that. If we ever did anything, it would not be that.”

Ash tilts his head. What’s the difference? Having sex and fucking, they’re just different words for the same thing, right? No one else has ever minded when Ash asked them to fuck him. Not even—not even when he was eight years old, seducing his coach for the last time. Using the word he learned from the man himself.

 _God, I love fucking you,_ he would say. _I love—I love—_

And Ash is about to—go back to—all of—

No no no, Ash can’t think about that right now. He needs to—needs to—

His breath is coming in short bursts now, and he sinks to the floor.

“Ash!” Eiji calls, alarmed.

“Eiji? Eiji, I—can’t—I can’t—”

Eiji kneels down in front of Ash and takes his hand. Ash gasps at the sudden contact.

“Eiji,” he cries again. He can barely see, vision going blurry and white and—

“I’m here, Ash,” Eiji says. His voice is soothing, now, not alarmed anymore. “I am here.”

“Eiji ...” Like a prayer. Like it’s the only word he knows. The only language he knows. The only thing grounding him to this stupid fucking life in this last chance he has to do something right for once before he leaves Eiji forever and—

“I am here with you, Ash,” Eiji repeats. He squeezes Ash’s hand. “And I won’t let go.”

But Ash will. Ash will let go, and he _has_ to, but ... but how is he supposed to leave Eiji, the last good thing in his life? The only good left on this fucking planet?

His Eiji.

“I don’t want to let go,” he whispers. “Don’t let go, Eiji, don’t ... Don’t let go ...”

“I won’t, Ash,” Eiji consoles. His voice is soft, soothing, _loving._ And Ash has to leave that voice behind forever. He has to, so that someone else can hear it. Someone who _deserves_ to hear it. Ash was just lucky that he had this small chance to know it.

“You were the best part of my life,” Ash says softly. He’s starting to calm down, now. Starting to accept it, like he always should have.

“Were?” Eiji sounds concerned. “What do you mean, Ash? What’s going on?”

“Can we pretend that we’ll have this forever?” Ash asks. He feels tears in his eyes, but they’re not falling. “Can we—pretend we won’t let go?”

“We don’t have to pretend, Ash,” Eiji says. He’s so earnest. So pure. He really means it. He ... really doesn’t want to leave. Doesn’t want _Ash_ to leave. But Ash ...

“Will it break your heart?”

Eiji looks surprised. “What?”

“When I’m gone. Will it break your heart?”

Now Eiji’s eyes fill with tears. “It ... it would, Ash. Please don’t leave me. You won’t, right? You wouldn’t ... do that?”

Ash is going to break Eiji’s heart. It’s not like he didn’t know that he would always end up hurting Eiji, but ...

Knowing that it has to happen like this? It’s ...

Painful.

But maybe he _can_ pretend. Just for tonight. Even if Eiji doesn’t know it’s pretending. Maybe he can ... let him believe.

Just for now.

“I’ll stay with you,” Ash lies. “I won’t let go.”

**Author's Note:**

> There was really no way to give this a happy ending when it's canon-compliant and Ash gives himself up to Dino directly after this. I'm so sorry. If it's any consolation, this hurt me, too.
> 
> Anyway, leave a comment and let me know your thoughts?
> 
> [Tumblr.](https://chaos101lynx.tumblr.com/)


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